Day 5 of Blogging Challenge: Environmental Restrictions

I posted two items for sale yesterday.  I got some husband resistance when I tried to post number three, so I stopped there.

Yesterday not a lot of progress was made.  Perhaps I should do some EFT tapping.  That’s the only kind of therapy that I think has ever had much effect for me.  But I have never gone to a therapist.  Meh.

I may not ever change.  But then again we are always changing.  I have changed a lot over my lifetime.  I want to take credit for that.  It doesn’t reflect much in my outer world.  That’s what I really need to figure out how to accomplish.  Make my outer world a better reflection of my inner world.  That is easier said than done.

The human systems on planet earth have to change or well, something cataclysmic will happen to us human fools.

Visionaries will prevail.

Why do all of our visions for earth seem dystopian or apocalyptic?

I need a better vision for my life.  Duh.  Too many limiting factors.  If X factor doesn’t change, than it is approximately 12X more difficult to change Y and yadda yadda.

I am addicted to my comfort zone.

Everything happens for a reason.  It is an opinion, but I have to make it my belief.  My soul created these circumstances so that I could evolve to a higher level, right?

Fudge buckets.  I have manifested these  big obstacles because a part of me wanted them?  Damn me.

I manifested these circumstances because I refused to evolve.  Such a stubborn comfort zone addict I am.

I guess I’ll go do some EFT on this subject.

Until next time.

Day 4 of Blogging Challenge: Information Overload and Food Crashing Excuses

So I decided to call this a blogging challenge rather than a “change” challenge.  I want to get away from always feeling like I need to change.  What I need to do is become more of who I already am.  I have shunned that person in a lot of ways and it hasn’t led me to the greatest place in life.  So anyway, that’s the reason for the change in title format.

So I started brainstorming about my “tentative plan” yesterday, while watching a YouTube video about something else – and then started thinking about a different tentative plan and…yes information overload ensued.

I want to leave the world a better place than I found it, at least in some small way, if not in a more significant one.  But of course, we all need to make some cash to pay the man for all of the various things he provides and…that has always been the challenge for me.  I sort of work for my husband in his business, but I need some autonomy in my money making, because I need some autonomy in my life to make my own decisions.  That is another whole topic that is not really blog appropriate, but that’s one of my biggest problems at the moment.

Hmm, the rest of what I wrote in this blog just sounds like me making a bunch of excuses.  Perhaps I should just delete it?  I decided to delete it.

Long story short, I ate too many carbs, gluten free carbs mind you, but they still made me crash nonetheless.  I only seem to be able to figure out what not to eat.  Knowing what I should actually eat is much more challenging.  Clean eating is challenging.

So in an ideal world I would create a helpful project in the world that focuses around subjects/things that I have struggled most with in my own life.  I don’t know if this is how I would make money.  Perhaps I should just make money selling things on the internet.  I feel like the world is already flooded with excessive amounts of junk so it is difficult for me to get motivated for that.  But it seems like the best option for me at the moment.

So the “let’s get real” plan…

1.  Practical money making stuffs:  goal – post at least 3 items either to Craig’s List or elsewhere.  We have a lot of stuff here that needs to be sold.

Pie in the sky tentative ideas…

1. Support group? that helps people like me – idealists who are easily discouraged by adverse circumstances and naysayers – to find the supportive environment they need to take on their pie-in-the-sky ideas.  Especially for young people perhaps, so they don’t end up like me.
2. Support group / study group/ action group? that looks at current health issues/ health care system/ personal health challenges / Alzheimer’s (it seems that everyone and their mother is getting Alzheimer’s) / and how to create meaningful change in a way that is focuses on creating joy around the issue and doesn’t just make it seem depressing and draining

Are those ideas sufficiently vague and overreaching?

So my natural tendency is to gather information and try to share it with people who mostly aren’t really interested, but I always think I need to get out there and create a group – even though I am a total loner.  This is an ongoing battle inside my mind.  I want to help people but they totally stress me out and I feel judged by them and yadda yadda yadda.

Selling junk on the internet is fun.  Yes, it is fun.  I will get this done today.

Reality vs. Pie-in-the-Sky:  it is an ongoing battle.

 

Day 3 of Change Challenge: A Tentative Plan and Know Thyself

I have come up with a tentative plan.  I don’t think I’m ready to share it yet.  It is too tentative and not very well thought out at the moment.

I come up with plans a lot and then talk myself out of them.  This is not good.

I was sorting through my old paperwork and finding lots of old plans, notes, inspirational whatever…and it just wound up in a pile of paper and never amounted to much.

I have to find better ways to counteract all of my bad traits.  I know I have a lot of them.  I think many people have a lot of them.  That is why I like the enneagram – it helps you see the good traits of your type and also the very bad traits.  No type is a saint.  We need to stop expecting ourselves to be saint-like.  It is counter productive methinks.  I’m a type 5 in case anyone is a fan of the enneagram and wants to know.

I need to join something to hold myself accountable.  I feel like I need to create my own group, but I’m too skeered to do that.

Courage.  I don’t gots much of that.

So smaller changes.  I want to get up at the same time every day and exercise every day, at least for this 30 day challenge.  After that I will reassess and maybe switch to every other day?  We shall see.

Okay, time to work on my plan.

Day 2 of Change Challenge: Letting Go of My Sad Story

So knowing that I have to hold myself accountable to my low traffic blog – my mind works overtime thinking about what I will write here.  This is good.  The universe is paying attention?  The universe is always paying attention.  I need to believe that to change I think.  Everything you do matters.  It sends out a message to the ether.  Are you taking care of what you have?  Is your house a mess?  Do you keep in touch with your friends?  Do you complain about your spouse all day long?  D’oh.

Why would the universe give you more when you aren’t even taking care of what you already have.  I am soapboxing to myself here more than anyone else.

So many thoughts.  They come and go.

So, letting go of my sad story.  I know that I have suppressed who I am to make other people comfortable?  To fit in.  One way of characterizing it is as intuitive blending – that’s a Myers-Briggs thing that I’m not going to explain right now.  I have to stop doing it or I will die a miserable lonely person.

I have taken what I thought was the easy route only to discover that it was SOOOO not the “easy route” after all.

My sad story, I’ve got to let it go.  Have I let it go yet?

It will take time.  Change takes time.  I need to be kind to me.

How am I going to translate this into real world action?  Not quit sure yet.

Baby steps.

 

Day 1 of Change Challenge: Shame

Big ginormous obstacle in my life.  I’ve always felt ashamed for some reason, even when I was too young to have done much of anything wrong.  Mostly now I am ashamed for all the things that I haven’t done right.  It is keeping me isolated and stuck.  How do I confront this?

You are the average of the five people that you spend the most time with.  I spend the most time with my husband.  Hmmm….I’m not going to go there right now.

So my best friend stopped talking to me.  I think she is becoming more buddy buddy with her narcissist soon to be ex-husband that keeps sucking her back in to an unhealthy relationship – yep – fifteen years of being a shoulder to cry on…and the saga continues.  So, yeah, I’m sort of relieved but sort of butt hurt at the same time.  But I see it as a sign that I really need to make new friends and move on with my life as well.

I didn’t change much yesterday.  I imagine finding a place where everybody knows your name and they’re always glad you came…many young people probably won’t even know that reference any more.  Time marches on.

I was feeling motivated to change in the morning and by the afternoon, apathy had set in.

I really need a new environment.  Should I join the Buddhist temple?  I don’t really feel like I belong there.  The New Age church down the road just wasn’t my thing either.  Plus the husband never approves of anything.  It just makes “change” that much more difficult.

Where everybody knows your name and they’re always glad you came may not exist but I will keep looking.

See you tomorrow.

 

I’ve Got to Change Now or I Will Never Change

Argh.  I’m so tired of being the way that I am.  I’m not going to berate myself for it.  That is just useless and destructive.  I feel like I need to abandon that person?  That is not a good way to put it, is it?  I need to love that person and accept that person and…oh no, it’s new agey crap I’m talking about but it might actually work?

I was going to type more, but hmm, I don’t feel like this WordPress blog is necessarily a supportive place.

Do you feel like you need to make a change in life and need someone to listen to you and hold you accountable?  Or maybe just give you a different perspective?

I need some allies.  But I don’t necessarily think that a public forum is the place for this.

Would anyone want to join a Google group?  Google is too much of a corporate spy though.  Perhaps you know of a better platform where ideas can be shared?

I also haven’t proven that I am a reliable ally yet, have I?  I am suspect.

I need to make a lot of changes in my life.  But I don’t think my allies are going to show up yet?  I’m not ready.

30 consecutive days of blogging.  I am committing to 30 consecutive days of blogging that will document the action that I am going to take to turn this ship around.  Okay, let’s say, alter course in a more focused direction.  Yes.

30 Days.  Now or never.

See you tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

The Blah Zone

I feel trapped in the blah zone.  You can’t really complain in the blah zone – because things are not bad enough to warrant complaining about them.  People will call you out on your s**t.  “You have it easy.  Look at how others are suffering”.  Things also aren’t really good enough to be happy about them either.

How do I escape blah zone without rocking anyone’s boat.  Everyone seems to have an agenda for me and I dislike all of these agendas.  That makes me selfish and immature I guess.  Or does it make me a spiritual warrior?  It’s all so confusing.  3D vs 5D : Nonsense or great wisdom?

People seem especially set in their ways for some reason lately.  Like if you even suggest a new idea or doing things a different way they become very defensive.  I don’t know.  I guess I am the same way.

I hope you are not in the blah zone.  Drop me a line if you can relate to the blah zone?  Have somehow escaped from the blah zone?  Or even if you want to tell me how wonderful life is and I shouldn’t complain about something so ridiculous as being in the “blah” zone and tell me I need to grow up…people are starving in Africa….homeless people in Los Angeles are no longer allowed to sleep in their cars…which is a travesty…but anyway…drop me a line.

I know you won’t though.  Because I am in the blah zone and that is what I attract these days…more blah.

Terrible Twos Anyone? — Welcome to Brenda’s Blog

Everyone already knows Brenda’s Blog right?  Well, just in case you don’t I’m reblogging it for you.

Anyway, this message was particularly relevant to how I’ve been feeling lately.

When will I get past my terrible twos?  Am I progressing or regressing?

 

Channeled by Brenda Hoffman for LifeTapestryCreations.com Summary of Brenda’s May 25, 2019, channeled “Creation Energies” show at BlogTalkRadio.com/brenda-hoffman: You’ll feel less fearful the next few days as you disengage from the chaos. Feeding chaos will or has started feeling inappropriate. As you remove your light from the turmoil and display a more peaceful demeanor, others will follow […]

via Terrible Twos Anyone? — Welcome to Brenda’s Blog

Self Conscious About Social Media

I feel like I am several different people in one, and none of them is very confident or certain who they want to be.

So there is my “real” Facebook account, on which I am friends with a few people that I know/mostly knew in real life, including my in-laws.  They are such a sarcastic, uncaring, judgmental, comparing bunch.  I don’t even want to be known by them.  My husband is also quite sarcastic.  I have gotten upset enough that he tones it down a bit.  I am too sensitive?

I am so over the friendly ribbing people do to one another.  It is just meanness disguised as what…social fun.  Bleh.  Should those kind of people only spend time with one another.  Then we would all be happier?

So my “real” Facebook account has been deactivated for a long time.  I recently felt the need to go on there and unfriend a bunch of people from high school that I haven’t talked to since we graduated, and with whom I was never very good friends to begin with.

I also unfriended an old college friend who at one point I was close with, but then I got too needy and annoying so she started ignoring me.  I’m not sure why she FB friended me in the first place – just for looky loo-ing I’m guessing.

Then I started thinking about her a bunch and got annoyed by it.  Is it because she is thinking about me?  I’m guessing she probably didn’t even notice my unfriending, so it’s probably all me.  But then do you believe that if someone is thinking about you, then they will catch the vibe from the universe and start thinking about the person who is thinking about them?  I don’t know.  Maybe.

Then I have another FB account where I follow subjects and people that I’m actually interested in, spiritual stuff, whatever, things that I know the sarcastic in-laws will scoff at.  I have “friends” on there, but they are mostly random people that I met through a FB group about awakening.  They aren’t really friends at all.

Then I could get started on Twitter.  So I created a Twitter account a while ago, and to my dismay, some of my in-laws found me on there and followed me.  Bleh.

So I started a new Twitter account…but I was thinking of following people who are breatharians…and of course that kind of stuff is considered batshit crazy to most people and….meh…I should start another Twitter account just for that perhaps?!?

It’s tempting to stay off of social media all together, but then I need a little bit of a fix.  I’m not an addict, I just need a sip or two – ha.

This blog isn’t doing it for me.  I’m too whiny/annoying/negative to be popular on WordPress.  I would try to interact more and leave comments, but then I’m not sure I even want people to click back and look at this blog.  It’s supposed to be all about rainbows and sunshine if I want random people to read it.

Also the mental health professionals start following the blog.  That’s always encouraging.  I know I don’t sound like the most mentally healthy person, but please don’t pretend that you’re actually interested in reading my blog.

I sound pretty prickly today.  Hopefully no one will read this.  I don’t think it will be a problem.

 

The Disconnected Empath….hmm…Want to Start a Psychic Development Group?

When you start reading books about empaths, you see some common themes.  One such theme/experience that many empaths seem to describe is the random stranger who decides to tell them their entire sad life story.  In essence, that person dumps all of their bad juju on them for no particular reason.  They felt “comfortable” around them, or something like that.

I’m guessing some people like this and some people don’t.  It’s never really happened to me.  I think I most likely exude a rather closed off energy that would discourage that kind of thing.

So does that mean that I am not actually an empath?

The way that I came to realize that I was an empath was actually sort of scientific.  I was at a psychic development type meeting and yes, was feeling rather skeptical about it.  A few weird things had happened to me that made me decide to check out such a thing.

One person would sit in the center of a circle and we would all try to tune in to their energy.  At first I had no luck with the exercise.  But then I really tried to focus my energy in and started to feel strong emotions, mostly sadness, some happiness, a little dizziness and pain.  But the strongest emotion was sadness, feeling like crying for no reason with a couple of people.  I didn’t really know how to feel about this.

For a while I thought that this skill must be useful somehow.  It’s got to be part of my life purpose and such, right?

But I’m not sure I want to tune in to people’s bad juju, not for a living anyway.  I would like to explore this more, but I feel ashamed and unworthy of such pursuits.

I need a mentor, but of course, don’t feel like I merit one.

So many garbage limiting beliefs in my head to overcome.

Does anyone out there want to try to connect to energy/emotions remotely?

It’s all fascinating but scary at the same time.

I could try to connect to your energy if you’d like?  Remotely or in person.  Although you probably live in Tanzania or somewhere far so…you know how that goes.

Free of charge?  Anyone want to start a psychic development group?  I wasn’t planning on taking this blog entry here, but what the heck.

If you have any experiences you’d like to share, even if you have no interest in a group or anything, add them to my comments.  Come on, you know you want to!